WHY IS IT...(Part 2)

Why is it that us humans beings always complain about our current partners and hope to find someone better but when we do find that perfect someone we tend to take them for granted? Why is it always that way? I'm not sure, but, I guess we all search for challenge. Well let me pick up where I left off. I thought I had become a smarter person. I didn't take crap from no-one and always put myself and my needs before any one else. I felt strange because that wasn't really me but it worked. Somehow someway people were attracted to me like magnets. I got more and more confident and more people kept coming into my life. Friends always wanted to be around me, I had multiple invitations to go out & party every week, and guys were just throwing themselves at me. My social agenda got too hectic for me to handle. I started dating this one guy, let's call him "B". He was really cool at first but soon I realized I liked him more as a friend than a partner. So we broke things off and decided to be friends. Soon after that I met "Z". He was different. He was sweet, thoughtful, respectful, caring and most important, he was great with my son. It was too good to be true. So I put up a fight. The more I challenged him the harder he fought. He wasn't letting me get off that easy. He pampered me like no other man had ever done. He was exactly what I was looking for. I couldn't believe it. I felt that finally, all that suffering I went through with "M" was finally paying off. Like they say "There's always a sunshine after a rainy day" and my tropical storm was finally over and the sunshine was here to stay. I felt blessed. We got more and more serious with time. We did everything together and hardly ever had a fight. Although at times, I felt a void for no apparent reason, It seemed like this was it. One day, after two wonderful years, my best friend (at the time) and I decided to have a ladies night and spend some quality time for her birthday. We went to a club and had the time of our lives. Then it hit me. That void I had felt all along was a feeling of incompleteness. I didn't want a serious relationship. I just wanted to be free and have fun as I pleased. I wasn't really in love with this guy. I felt devastated and miserable. I wanted to break things off with him but at the same time I didn't want to let him go. How could I accomplish such a thing? It's impossible to have your cake and eat it too. It's one or the other. So I decided to try and work on it. But day by day I felt more and more annoyed by him. I couldn't give him a kiss. I could hardly even look in his eyes. He was such a great guy he really didn't deserve any of this. I finally tried to break things off with him but he couldn't handle it. He cried like a baby. And he simply felt miserable. I had never seen a guy in this state. I felt like so bad for him. So I took it back and decided to be a bitch. Although it hurt me, but I thought that this way he would get tired and leave me. On the contrary, he just started clinging on harder and harder. As cruel as it sounds, I felt stuck, no matter what I did I just couldn't get rid of him. Every time I even mentioned taking a break from each other he just talked about suicide and that freaked me out. At that precise time a dear friend of mine had been brutally murdered. Her boyfriend at the time, which she was trying to leave, killed her and then killed himself. So that kind of traumatized me a little. Plus all my family would constantly tell me how I was going to be the cause of this guy's death. Truthfully, I was scared. What if he did the same thing that other guy did to my friend? I was in a very tough situation. I felt that no matter what I did, I was somehow doing wrong. So I decided to take things one day at a time. I kept my relationship going but I went out, partied, and dated guys behind his back. I wasn't proud of what I was doing, but I either way I wasn't happy. But at least, by doing this I was able to fill in a little bit of that void. Soon it became addicting. I couldn't stop. I met so many guys I liked but I couldn't take it any further than just a fling. On the other hand, I gave the cold shoulder to "Z" all the time. I was such a bitch. But what was I to do? If I let him go he might kill himself and God knows maybe even me. Maybe he wouldn't do anything at all. But I wasn't sure and that was a risk I was not ready to take. So if he wanted me he was just gonna have to take me like this. After some time passed, I finally built the courage to leave him. And so I brought the four years together to an end. It was hard for him but he dealt with it in a very mature manner. Something I did not expect at all. Now that time has passed and I had a chance to reflect on this experience, I've come to this conclusion... I should have let more time pass before getting myself involved with someone else. I was still carrying all of the pain and baggage from my previous relationship. Subconsciously, I wanted someone that could be everything that M could not. So basically, all I did was compare and settle. I guess that when we find that someone whose better, we settle for the kindness, attention and love we didn't receive from our previous partner. And somehow we misinterpret the feeling of joy for a feeling of love. But soon, we realize that it was just an illusion and not what we really wanted. We learn a valuable lesson from each experience that we go through. Sometimes we see it right away, sometimes it takes a little longer. After going through these two experiences, and seeing both sides of the coin, I thought I had learned everything I needed to know in order to make my next relationship a better one. Then I started the new chapter in my life. Remember B, the one I liked as a friend? Well...B and I had become very close friends. Like brother and sisters per say. But after I broke things off with Z, he confessed that he still had feelings for me. At first I was shocked and a bit grossed out to say to truth. But after some thinking I realized I had feelings for B as well. After being best friends for 5 years and the experiences that I went through with my previous relationships, I was sure this relationship would be the one. It's been two and a half years and we are still pushing and enjoying our journey together. We have our ups and downs, the good days and the very bad ones but we're here together and trying to make the best of it. I've realized that we never stop learning. I know I still have a whole lot to learn. But I guess that's just the way the story goes.